New Therapist

Today I had my first therapy session with my new therapist. He is the polar opposite of my old therapist who sadly had to quit her job due to health reasons. She was very funny, happy, a joy to talk to, I mean it felt like talking to a friend not a therapist, and he is very young looking, overly professional, quiet spoken, takes notes while I am talking, and stares straight at me which makes me feel very uncomfortable. He was nice enough but I really had more of a connection and felt more comfortable with my old therapist. Hope she can return to work eventually. I am about to head to bed. It's late and I am tired. Will write more tomorrow

Day 1 diet

Today is day 1 of my diet. This time I am going to stick to it no matter what! I have started a food journal. Never tried it before but hoping it will help me stick to this. I am drinking two slim fast shakes to replace 2 meals a day, and the other meal I am eating salad, and for snacks I am eating cheddar cheese as it has no carbs. I am also going to be starting off doing a mile a day of walking. I will probably take Taryn to school for 11:30am then when I get home with Aiden I will take out the stroller and take him with me for a walk. As long as it's not hot during the day I think that will work out well. On days when it's too hot to go walking at noon I will just go for my walk at night after kids are in bed. This morning when Taryn and I took a shower I weighed myself before taking shower. I am 246.2 right now. Hoping to be down to 240 by next week. I will do it! I know I can! I can do anything I put my mind to! I am beautiful just the way I am but I need to lose the weight for health reasons!

School, Kids, Life in general

I am sick of being depressed all the time, I am tired of not having any energy, I just want to be happy and I know what I have to do to achieve my desires. I need to focus on each part of my life I want to change and go at it.

School: I am completely loving school. I am so happy my therapist and my friend Brittany encouraged me to to go to college. Without their support I don't think I would have really gone through with it. So far I am making all A's, and staying ahead in my work. I am already 2 weeks ahead in all my assignments for both classes. Except my General class, the teacher didn't post the Discussion Questions in the syllabus so I have to wait for the week to come when we have Discussion Questions in that class and do them then. Other than that though I am planning on being done with all 9 weeks of work by my birthday. I am very determined to do well in school and all of my focus really needs to stay on school. I don't need to be worrying about men or my so called "mother", I need to keep my focus completely on school.

Kids: The kids are doing well. Karly is about to be done with preschool. Taryn got into preschool a little late but is attending for the last month of classes. She is doing surprisingly well, which shocked any who know her. Aiden is doing great too, he's unfortunately picking up on Taryns behavior when she pitches a fit, which really isn't good. I am sadly having to be a little harder on Taryn and not let her get away with as much stuff as I do. I have been so easy on her because I was so afraid of becoming like my mother. Yet now I see the error of my ways in this. By being so easy on her she now thinks she can get away with whatever she wants with me and therefore doesn't listen to me at all! I have created my own problem and now I must fix it, even if it does mean being somewhat like my "mother". I will NOT be as bad as my "mother" was though, I refuse to beat my child and do nothing but yell and scream all day long, it's going to be really tough for the first few weeks but I think I can do it as long as I stick with it. Aiden listens pretty good but I haven't been babying him the way I did Taryn. Karly on the other hand, spends way too much time around my "mother", she is starting to act just like her, and unfortunately she seems to have inherited my attitude problems and the ability to never stop talking, and not knowing when to just shut her mouth. This is also a problem, she also doesn't listen to me at all. Which is a huge problem. I am going to have to be hard on her too till she learns that I am her mother not grandma and that she needs to listen to me.

Life: Life sucks ass right now, but I need to keep my head up and remember not to give up. I tend to give up when things get tough, and I need to stop doing that. I need to find a way to co-exist in this house with my "mother" or else things may get really ugly. I know I put myself down a lot due to constant criticism from my family, but I realize I don't have to listen to them or anyone else. I don't need ANYONE to tell me who I am. I know I am beautiful woman on the inside and out. I have a good personality, and I am a good friend to those who deserve it. I do tend to try to help out though when I really should just stay out of it, but I can work on that. It is time for a total and complete reconstruction of how I look at my life and how I perceive things. I don't need a man to complete my life. I have my kids and my school and my few, yet wonderful, friends. I like being single, yet on the other hand, I miss having someone to cuddle with the most. I am lonely but I try to stay busy with my school work and family. I know that one day things will change, and everything happens for a reason. I know the gods are putting me through all this turmoil for a purpose that I just don't understand yet but one day I will find my happiness and until then I just need to be patient. Patience is not one of my virtues but it is one I am working on. :)

I refuse to let anyone pull me down anymore and I will not allow anyone to try to make me think I am less than what I am. To my few true friends, you know who you are, I love ya'll and am very happy I have ya'll in my life.

Finding myself

I haven't been on here in a while but now that I am taking college courses one of the ways to improve my writing skills is to write even more. So I will now be keeping up with posting on here so I can improve my writing. Some things have been changing with me. I am trying to be a better, more honest person, and trying to get my life together.
I am taking college classes online through the University of Phoenix. I am going for my Associates in Human Services Management. I want to be a psychiatric therapist. I would also like to get a degree in psychology. Psychology has always interested me, I guess partly because I am bipolar. I am on medication for it now and it seems to be helping. I have a great support system. I a few friends that I can really talk to and be honest about my feelings. Brittany, Amy, Jeff. I am hoping to eventually be able to find a way to get a car and get a job so I can get out of my parents house before I kill my mother. My mother is a total bitch from hell and I know it's bad to say this but I really wish she would either leave for good, or go drive off a cliff, I don't care what she does as long as she is out of my life. She is a control freak and is the reason why I can't get a job. She puts restrictions on me so I have to stay here and I can't take it anymore. First chance I get, I am sooo out of here.
Brittany and I have been talking and hanging out more lately which has been great. We actually get along really well which is surprising cause I usually don't get along with females very well, except for Amy. Brittany is brilliant, beautiful, funny, and a great person. She is going through some shit right now with her ex-best friend who turned out to be a total lying skank bag that should be dragged through Iraq tied to the back of a truck but that's just my opinion. I love Brittany and I appreciate her friendship so much. She is the one who really made me believe that I could go to college and be successful at it. She's been great and I will always be here for her. We've had our ups and downs but we usually come out of it ok.
Amy, unfortunately lives in Texas and we don't get to talk all that often. I miss her a lot.
Jeff and I have become very close in the past year. He recently broke up with the wildebeest he was dating, (now if the darksider wants to talk about psycho she should talk about the kockroach LOL) She was crazy and didn't like it for Jeff to hang out with anyone of the opposite sex especially. Oh well now that she is gone we get to hang out again. He came with me and the kids to the park Saturday and Brittany came with us to two parks on Sunday.
I love an appreciate all my true friends who are there for me and I will always be here for them as well. Today is day 4 of my diet...so far so good. I keep forgetting to get on the scale in the mornings though. I can't wait to get rid of this weight. I love my kids, my life, and my amazing friends.

New Year, New Life, New Me

2009 was a horrible year and I am so glad it's over. So far 2010 has been pretty good. I met this wonderful man who is amazing. In 2009 I made new friends and lost some recently in this year. I only want to associate with positive people that will not drag me down. So I have had to drop a few people. There was about 3 or 4 people that were just too negative, or immature that I just had to drop. I still have my best friends ever that mean a lot to me, and of course I have my family.
I am Bipolar and just recently started taking meds and going to therapy. So far the meds are just starting to help. Won't get full effect until I reach a therapeutic level. Things are beginning to improve with my home life. My mom and I are trying to work out our differences so as to provide an even better home life for my kids.
As for a job, I'm still searching but as of right now my dad may need to have back surgery so my folks don't want me to continue to search right now. If he does have to have surgery he could be out of work for a while and be stuck in a bed for 6 weeks or more. We'll find out today if he has to have surgery or not. So I will not be able to work for a while if he does I'll have to be here to take care of him and get him what he needs. Hope everything goes well with that.
I am looking forward to a new year. I'm making a lot of changes and trying to be more positive. Change doesn't come overnight it'll take time but I am trying to be a better person. I'm trying to be a more positive person and a better mother. Things are better now with the new medication I seem to have more energy which actually allows me to do more with my children. Some people just don't realize how truly debilitating manic depression can be. When I am depressed it's hard to get up and do anything. I have NO energy and no desire really to do anything more than I have to do. Sometimes the depression can be so bad that you just don't even want to move or eat or anything. Glad that now that is all behind me.
I have a few things to say to a few people. I will use letters instead of names but you will know who you are.

J.W.- I'm sorry I haven't been there for you as much as I used to be lately. I've had so much going on here that I haven't had the time to talk to you that much. Plus you know I don't agree with a few things you have been doing. Even if me and L are not friends anymore I still don't agree with the way you have treated her. But I will try to be a better friend just realize I don't have alot of time to talk on the phone all the time I do have 3 kids. lol

B.- I do apologize for anything hurtful or mean that may have been said, it was immature and not necessary, I am above all that petty crap and should not have allowed myself to sink down to that level. I decided to end things where they were because I do not agree with lying to intentionally hurt someone. Just to be mean and hateful like that I just can't deal with that kind of immaturity and don't need it in my life. I am almost 25 and I am better than all that high school bullshit and will not be associated with anyone who acts like they are still in high school and do nothing but cause drama for other people. I apologize for anything that may have offended you. It's done and over with now just let things be. We are adults and should act like it.

J.B.- You have been amazing and are my very best friend other than Amy. You have been there with me for so much and I will always be here for you. I am glad you are happy with K and I hope things work out for ya'll this time. Just look forward to the future and not to the past. If you always look behind you, you'll trip over things in front of you. lol.

All in all I think maybe this year will be a good year. I'm happy and trying to stay positive. I love my life and my family, I am very thankful for all that I have in my life.

New year to come

I must say I am rather excited about the new year. I am glad that this year is almost over. This has been a horrible year for me and my children. At the beginning of this year we were living with my boyfriend at the time, Keith, he dumped me on April 14th, for his baby momma Angie. Our relationship was so great in the beginning, I had never been so happy. I want to find that happiness again. The kids were very attached to Keith and it took some time to get them to forget about him, luckily kids are resilient. I am very glad that I did have that short time of happiness, but it is all over now. I moved back in with my parents on May 26. I lived with Keith and Angie for some time after he broke up with me partly to help them out and also because I didn't want to move back in with my parents because my mother is a bitch and we don't get along. No one in our family likes her and we all just wish she would leave and go back to RI. I have talked to a few other guys but they were either liars and weren't really single or were married and just wanted a girl on the side and that is not me.
There has been nothing good that has happened to me this year. This year has been full of heartbreak, loneliness and sadness. The only bright spot that has been this year is my best friend Jeff. He is amazing. I have had feelings for him since high school and we reconnected this past summer after I moved back in with my folks. He has helped me get over Keith, for a long time I didn't think I would be capable of getting over Keith and what he did to me. Keith destroyed my heart, he was the first and now the only man I ever fully gave my heart to and trusted completely. That will never happen again. The next guy I get with will have some walls to get through. I can't allow myself or my children to be hurt like that again. I love Jeff but he is with a girl named Krystle from Arkansas. He is having money problems and needs a girlfriend that has a job and can help him out with the bills, I understand that, also he does love her but it's a light switch relationship, on and off all the time. Those never work out, so for the time being I will see what else is out there in the world, I won't wait around for him any longer, and when he finally comes to his senses, as long as I haven't found someone better I will be ready to be with him.
This past year Karly has grown so much. She is still in the same preschool, next school year she'll actually be in school at last. She turned 5 in October. She is a bright child, but she will probably have issues in school. She never shuts up and doesn't listen most of the time. Me living with my parents has caused some problems with me and my kids because my mom is definitely the dominate personality in the household which causes conflict with me being their MOTHER! My mom tries to take over where she is neither wanted nor needed. She totally takes over especially with Karly. She acts as though Karly is her daughter and she was the one who pushed her out, not me. I hate the way my mother treats the kids but I don't have any other choice at the moment. We would all be better off if my mother just died, or disappeared. Whichever works fine for me as long as she is gone. I know it's bad to think that way but people just don't understand how my mom really is until you see her in action.
Taryn has grown a lot in the past year. She has been in speech therapy now for some time and I am waiting for the school system to contact me about a evaluation appointment to see if she qualifies for the early preschool program. Her speech therapist says that she'll have no problem getting in. Her speech is still considerably behind, and her behavior is horrible. She is so much like Eric, I hate that she is like him. She has his horrible temper, and attitude. I hope that once she goes to school and has more structure she'll even out some, although I have a feeling we will be taking her to the doctor for evaluation for either ADD or ADHD and she'll probably be one of those kids who needs to be on pills.
Aiden is my little angel. He turned 1 in October. He is the best kid ever. He listens, only have to tell him no once or twice and he listens to you, he plays by himself with no problems, is very independent, is the cutest kid I have ever seen, he has these dimples that are just adorable, he is generally a well tempered child, and learning and developing so quickly. He has been walking since 10months, and is already trying to talk. He has 4 words so far: mama, dada, baby, doggie, and he is working on ball now. I love all three of my children with all my heart and they are the only reason I lived through the experience with Keith.
I am hoping that in this coming year several things will change in my life. For one, I am going to lose this damn weight. I am starting anew today. Back on the Atkins diet. I want to get down to 180lbs. Right now I am at an embarrassing 258lbs. I am the type that when I am depressed I eat and when I eat even if it's not that much I gain weight, my metabolism is kinda non-existent. Secondly, I am hoping to find a job this coming year. Thirdly, I am hoping to find love, whether it is with Jeff or someone else I just want to be happy again. Fourth, I need to move out of this house before I kill my mother. Fifth, I want to write more.
I'm really trying to look forward and not back and praying that this year to come is better than this past year. I need something good to happen in my life for once. Aside from my kids, nothing good has ever happened to me and actually stuck. Well I think this is enough for now. I'm hoping that writing in here daily may also help me with the diet..already I am hungry and really want to go get something to snack on partly because I am depressed again today. I really wish I could talk to Jeff but his girlfriend is around at the moment and apparently he won't be talking to me as long as he is around her which has kinda put me in a bad mood. but oh well... I am off for now...

loving this computer

My parents were nice enough to finally get me a laptop. It's an acer aspire one. I love it!!! It's great, I may need to get an external hard drive lol. Been downloading anime, and music now. Waiting on Rammstein to finish downloading. Down here in the asshole of the south I'm not sure anyone here would even know who they are lol. Been doing ok I guess. I am totally over Keith at last and I realized I don't really feel the way I thought I did about Jeff. I know I have had feelings for him but I doubt it would work with him anyways so I gave up on my feelings for him. It's for the best...now I just need to move on with my life and find someone who is worth my time. Eventually I know I will find someone but I am not worried about it now. Yea I get lonely and hate being by myself, but at least I have my kids, and my friends. Now that I really think about the thing with me and Jeff...I realize I kinda do love him but in a brotherly way...which is kinda gross and makes me feel like I'm from Arkansas cause that would mean I have been sleeping with my brother since like June lol. wow... Oh well. all that is done and over with now. now that I understand my feelings better there is no way I could sleep with him again. plus he is back with his girlfriend now and that would be wrong. It's kind of a shame though cause damn the sex was good. I'm gonna miss that.
The kids are doing great. Karly never shuts up, I swear we need a muzzle for her lol..Taryn just 3 and seems to be brattier than ever lol. Aiden is just perfect, he listens , is never a problem, he is just such a great baby!!! Hoping to hear back from the school system soon about Taryns appointment to see if she is eligible to go to early preschool cause of her speech delay.
I hope things get better soon. I just have to keep my head up and stay positive.