New year to come

I must say I am rather excited about the new year. I am glad that this year is almost over. This has been a horrible year for me and my children. At the beginning of this year we were living with my boyfriend at the time, Keith, he dumped me on April 14th, for his baby momma Angie. Our relationship was so great in the beginning, I had never been so happy. I want to find that happiness again. The kids were very attached to Keith and it took some time to get them to forget about him, luckily kids are resilient. I am very glad that I did have that short time of happiness, but it is all over now. I moved back in with my parents on May 26. I lived with Keith and Angie for some time after he broke up with me partly to help them out and also because I didn't want to move back in with my parents because my mother is a bitch and we don't get along. No one in our family likes her and we all just wish she would leave and go back to RI. I have talked to a few other guys but they were either liars and weren't really single or were married and just wanted a girl on the side and that is not me.
There has been nothing good that has happened to me this year. This year has been full of heartbreak, loneliness and sadness. The only bright spot that has been this year is my best friend Jeff. He is amazing. I have had feelings for him since high school and we reconnected this past summer after I moved back in with my folks. He has helped me get over Keith, for a long time I didn't think I would be capable of getting over Keith and what he did to me. Keith destroyed my heart, he was the first and now the only man I ever fully gave my heart to and trusted completely. That will never happen again. The next guy I get with will have some walls to get through. I can't allow myself or my children to be hurt like that again. I love Jeff but he is with a girl named Krystle from Arkansas. He is having money problems and needs a girlfriend that has a job and can help him out with the bills, I understand that, also he does love her but it's a light switch relationship, on and off all the time. Those never work out, so for the time being I will see what else is out there in the world, I won't wait around for him any longer, and when he finally comes to his senses, as long as I haven't found someone better I will be ready to be with him.
This past year Karly has grown so much. She is still in the same preschool, next school year she'll actually be in school at last. She turned 5 in October. She is a bright child, but she will probably have issues in school. She never shuts up and doesn't listen most of the time. Me living with my parents has caused some problems with me and my kids because my mom is definitely the dominate personality in the household which causes conflict with me being their MOTHER! My mom tries to take over where she is neither wanted nor needed. She totally takes over especially with Karly. She acts as though Karly is her daughter and she was the one who pushed her out, not me. I hate the way my mother treats the kids but I don't have any other choice at the moment. We would all be better off if my mother just died, or disappeared. Whichever works fine for me as long as she is gone. I know it's bad to think that way but people just don't understand how my mom really is until you see her in action.
Taryn has grown a lot in the past year. She has been in speech therapy now for some time and I am waiting for the school system to contact me about a evaluation appointment to see if she qualifies for the early preschool program. Her speech therapist says that she'll have no problem getting in. Her speech is still considerably behind, and her behavior is horrible. She is so much like Eric, I hate that she is like him. She has his horrible temper, and attitude. I hope that once she goes to school and has more structure she'll even out some, although I have a feeling we will be taking her to the doctor for evaluation for either ADD or ADHD and she'll probably be one of those kids who needs to be on pills.
Aiden is my little angel. He turned 1 in October. He is the best kid ever. He listens, only have to tell him no once or twice and he listens to you, he plays by himself with no problems, is very independent, is the cutest kid I have ever seen, he has these dimples that are just adorable, he is generally a well tempered child, and learning and developing so quickly. He has been walking since 10months, and is already trying to talk. He has 4 words so far: mama, dada, baby, doggie, and he is working on ball now. I love all three of my children with all my heart and they are the only reason I lived through the experience with Keith.
I am hoping that in this coming year several things will change in my life. For one, I am going to lose this damn weight. I am starting anew today. Back on the Atkins diet. I want to get down to 180lbs. Right now I am at an embarrassing 258lbs. I am the type that when I am depressed I eat and when I eat even if it's not that much I gain weight, my metabolism is kinda non-existent. Secondly, I am hoping to find a job this coming year. Thirdly, I am hoping to find love, whether it is with Jeff or someone else I just want to be happy again. Fourth, I need to move out of this house before I kill my mother. Fifth, I want to write more.
I'm really trying to look forward and not back and praying that this year to come is better than this past year. I need something good to happen in my life for once. Aside from my kids, nothing good has ever happened to me and actually stuck. Well I think this is enough for now. I'm hoping that writing in here daily may also help me with the diet..already I am hungry and really want to go get something to snack on partly because I am depressed again today. I really wish I could talk to Jeff but his girlfriend is around at the moment and apparently he won't be talking to me as long as he is around her which has kinda put me in a bad mood. but oh well... I am off for now...

loving this computer

My parents were nice enough to finally get me a laptop. It's an acer aspire one. I love it!!! It's great, I may need to get an external hard drive lol. Been downloading anime, and music now. Waiting on Rammstein to finish downloading. Down here in the asshole of the south I'm not sure anyone here would even know who they are lol. Been doing ok I guess. I am totally over Keith at last and I realized I don't really feel the way I thought I did about Jeff. I know I have had feelings for him but I doubt it would work with him anyways so I gave up on my feelings for him. It's for the best...now I just need to move on with my life and find someone who is worth my time. Eventually I know I will find someone but I am not worried about it now. Yea I get lonely and hate being by myself, but at least I have my kids, and my friends. Now that I really think about the thing with me and Jeff...I realize I kinda do love him but in a brotherly way...which is kinda gross and makes me feel like I'm from Arkansas cause that would mean I have been sleeping with my brother since like June lol. wow... Oh well. all that is done and over with now. now that I understand my feelings better there is no way I could sleep with him again. plus he is back with his girlfriend now and that would be wrong. It's kind of a shame though cause damn the sex was good. I'm gonna miss that.
The kids are doing great. Karly never shuts up, I swear we need a muzzle for her lol..Taryn just 3 and seems to be brattier than ever lol. Aiden is just perfect, he listens , is never a problem, he is just such a great baby!!! Hoping to hear back from the school system soon about Taryns appointment to see if she is eligible to go to early preschool cause of her speech delay.
I hope things get better soon. I just have to keep my head up and stay positive.